Do you whinge about people who talk glowingly (almost sickeningly) about their marriage? Shame on you.
As long as they're not giving an unrealistic view of the marriage, or idolising their partner, I say go for it. So many people are in bad marriages. So many Christians are in the situation of not having been raised witnessing godly marriage. With the approval of both parties, it's great to speak honestly about what works for you (and what doesn't) in order to model to others what it means to work hard at a godly marriage. Do people only have permission to speak to others about their marriage if it's going poorly? I agree it sucks if raving about their marriage is the only thing a person ever talks about, but apart from your relationship with God, for those who are married it is the most significant relationship in your life.
End rant.
S and I are thankful for those who spoke and continue to speak to us honestly about marriage - especially to those who invited us into their homes to share a part of their lives with us. I love seeing godly marriage in practice and saying to myself "Oh, that's how it's supposed to work!"
I hate hearing women criticise their husbands. It's yucky. If things are going badly, there can be value in speaking to a friend about what's going on, but general bad-mouthing is not good.
ReplyDeleteNor is showing off. Just as talking about your kids' accomplishments or virtues can be a thinly veiled way of boasting about yourself (your good genetic material or parenting skills), speaking glowingly about your marriage can be a way of talking yourself up.
Just ask yourself why you're doing it. Is it out of insecurity or a need to prove something to someone?
If you have a good marriage and are an open kind of person, then a fondness for your spouse will be communicated naturally. As people get closer to you, they will see the cracks as well, which can be helpful.
I don't like the tendency among some preachers to rave about how great their marriage is and how much time they give to their spouse and blah blah blah. This comes across to me as showing off. Like saying 'I'm so generous, I'm so kind,I'm so fantastically godly...' and it's almost certainly not a balanced picture of married life. What about the mundanaity, the grumpiness, the stupid little squabbles?
I think the best way is to let people be close to us so they can see things as they really are.
wondering if I've just contradicted myself...
ReplyDeletehttp://simone1975.blogspot.com/2009/10/12-sharable-things-that-i-like-about-my.html
Thanks for your thought Simone.
ReplyDeleteI suspect we agree on quite a lot in this area. I also suspect both our "angles" from which we approach this topic are influenced by particular people we have in mind.
I also hate hearing women criticise their husbands. But I'm effected by some extreme examples in my circles lately where I have been shocked by marriage bust-ups that seem so out of the blue. What I'm probably reacting against is that we assume when people say nothing, things are going okay. But in my experience we are just as reluctant to talk about the bad as we are the good. Perhaps promoting the good will promote more (helpful) transparency in general.
Also, I didn't know what a godly husband was meant to look like practically, until others both spoke about and modeled it to me. In that sense, I don't even care if they were bragging - it's given me some great ideas and made my marriage better.
Re: preachers, I want to agree and disagree.
Lying doesn't help anyone. However there are many examples of godly marriage, and it's helpful for others to graciously share wisdom on these matters. If it's for the good of the hearer then say it. Examine our hearts, and then say it - even if runs the risk of appearing super-righteous.
The other thing to keep in mind is the problem for pastors of large churches. If in our current church model a church should grow in number, there is a necessary and consequential increased distance between the pastor and the congregation. Mark Driscoll pastors a church of 8000. Family stories invite those 8000 people into his home. The stories give the congregation a hopefully realistic insight into the family life of their teacher. In that situation I think the question is not what is too much for the congregation to hear, but what shouldn't I share for the sake of my family.
So yes, best way is to let people see you in action. But this isn't always possible.
Thoughts?
The danger of sharing in the way that MD does is that it's almost certainly unbalanced. I've listened to lots and it's 95% glowing about his conduct as a husband. This might be inspiring for guys to hear but I think that it makes women either discontent with their own husbands or (like me) frustrated with his bragging. Where are the stories about when he's done wrong by his wife and kids? We might be invited into his home, but only when it's sparkly and clean.
ReplyDeleteWe had 4 marriage bust-ups in our first 12 months at our church. Since then, we consider all marriages to be bad until we have good evidence that they're not.
I think we need to show eachother what repentance looks like. Tell me about the selfishness you see in your heart and how God is helping you turn from it. Then I'll have more of an idea how to turn from my sin.
It is such a tricky thing helping people whose marriage is in danger. Likely the troubles have been growing for years and years and people on the outside can't know what's happened. It's devastating to the whole community when it happens. Sorry you've had to witness it.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's a realistic picture. But still, I don't think he's bragging (though I don't know his heart). I just hear a call to arms to be a man and get my act together.
ReplyDeleteWitnessing marriage break-up sucks. But I imagine nothing like going through it.
I think the biggest problem with MD and his family talk is that he is pretending to have runs on the board as a parent before his kids even get close to the age that they'll traditionally show signs of rebellion.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to the subject of marriage I prefer realistic pictures of marriage. I like that Simone and Andrew (and others) paint a picture of marriage that involves sometimes disagreeing.
Marriage is two sinful people trying to sacrificially make accommodations in order to fulfil their vows. It's also a really good gift from God.
The other problem with people talking about their marriages is that it's open to oversharing. And we all know how I feel about oversharing...