Just the two of us?

If there's one sure fire way to get evangelicals to quote Bible verses out of context and offer half-baked psychological advice in the guise of Christian wisdom, then it's in facing the reality of infertility.

For the past two years, Sarah and I have faced the toughest season of our short marriage, as we've dealt with the reality of infertility. Medically our chances have improved, psychologically - well, depends what day of the week it is. Thankfully, those closest to us have offered sound biblical comfort, a shoulder to cry on, and best of all - they've had our backs. But to be honest, our marriage has at times been battered by the storm, and thankfully for the most part we've huddled together for comfort.

Sarah has recently finished reading a book on the subject of infertility called 'Just the two of us?', which she cannot commend highly enough. Her first recommendation was to me. I'm starting the book tonight!

I know a lot of people in vocational ministry read this blog. Helpfully and unhelpfully, the Bible talks a lot about infertility and the reality of life means we care for (whether knowingly or unknowingly) people going through this pain. The opportunities for us to say stupid things are seemingly endless. I know because they've been said to me, usually by people with no knowledge of our personal situation, but people who should know better.

Once I've read the book I'll have further reflections for pastors, but off the top of my head, some thoughts;
1. Long before I was married, one of my mothers in faith, Tracey Gowing, taught me and Sarah to say, 'If the Lord chooses to bless us with children...'. I have no idea if she taught us the actual phrase, but the right expectations behind it certainly came from her lips. For the first three years of our marriage, as we talked about what size car we'd need, how many kids, favourite names, all the usual hopeful banter, the phrase we were taught was just a meaningless liturgy. Pretty much like when people who have just finished the book of James, insist on finishing every sentence with "If the Lord wills". Tracey and our other staffworker Martin Field, also got us to think through issues of infertility before we were married. The day when our doctor told us the four worst words ever to pass my ears, "It's not good news", we were spared so much of the grief. All because of the pastoral awareness and faithful understanding of life that Trace and Marty instilled in our young minds. This right expectation has protected our marriage like nothing else. Prepare your people for suffering!

2. If you are teaching a part of the Bible that mentions infertility, it is essential you acknowledge the pain of it all. If you don't say another thing about it, acknowledge the sadness that infertility brings.

3. If your application has any hint of an assumption that God will eventually give the blessing of children, you're almost certainly speaking hogwash, and should probably be taken out the back and shot. If you're only dealing with the issue in passing, just acknowledge the pain and then be quiet on the matter.

4. I'm sure the book will promote my thinking further, but from what Sarah has communicated, the book highlights the application of infertility in the Bible is usually not about the blessing of children, but the spiritual blessings which come from salvation in Jesus. This is the blessing, which gives us every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.

More thoughts will flow another time.

Read Sarah's review of the book.