Some good friends from college had a little baby boy today, and Sarah and I are overjoyed for them. Seeing each other five days a week means we feel as if we've shared a big part of the journey to parenthood with our friends. Sarah had noticed the couple wasn't at college and so was getting her phone out to message them to check all was okay, and there was the message. Good news of great joy. Another recipient of the SMS got up to make the announcement to our year group during the break in the lecture. More excited chatter and a smattering of applause.
It really is a joyous thing to share as a community in the gift of new life that God gives. We often get these happy event announcements - engagements, weddings, pregnancies, babies. It is right and good that we share these joys with one another.
But reflecting on Sarah and my own situation as we battle with the repercussions of infertility issues, I realised again how no announcements are made for those who are struggling in their situation in which God has placed them. No one ever makes an announcement about those who mourn singleness. There are no public prayers, no announcements, no parties, no cards, no presents, no balloons. We as Christians believe very firmly in the family. We put family first, as it were. We use the language of family to describe our gatherings. Yet for those with relationships other than the picket fence parents, kids and a cuddly dog, the potential risk is we appear to place family first, and everyone else second.
I can't offer a solution to this issue. I'm not even sure it's a massive problem. But to those single Christians who read this blog, let me just say on the record, and in public - good on you. Thank you for expressing your faithfulness to Jesus by trusting in his plan for your life, even when that doesn't line up with what you'd hoped. Congratulations for remaining sexually pure in a society which makes sexual fulfillment outside of God's plan easy to achieve. Blessed are you for not pursuing relationships that appear desirable to end singleness (if that is your desire) but choose not to take that path for its potential negative impact on your Christianity. I praise God for his gift and graces he has given you to persevere in him for this season of your life, no matter how long its duration. I don't have balloons, or a card. I don't think there is a traditional gift for a life of faithfulness. But know that for all the times we fail to notice, God does.
From the front of church, if there is a birth announcement or an engagement announcement, we, as pastors of our congregation, make it a point not only praying for what was announced but to also praying for those struggling with singleness, or with infertility depending on the announcement. And much of the prayers are actually taken up with pleading for God's intercession of these gut wrenching topics, with really only an opening sentence of praise for the birth or engagement notice. I don't think that every church does this, but having been part of a leadership team, of a church which is mainly 30+yo and singles, it was very much on our radar to do, and we have carried that into many other church leadership situations we are in.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if people were more open like you and Sarah, from the front of church, there could be an interview or a notice asking your church family to pray continually for God's intercession in your situation. Same with someone who doesn't want to be single. You are right, it is putting yourself out there, it is scary, it is being humble, maybe even humiliating, but if you want things to change in regards to addressing these topic from the front, someone in the hard situation has to take the first step.
As a minister's wife when someone says to me "I'd really like to be married." I promise to pray for them for at least a while year (yes, yes I know it takes longer than that!) for God to quench their desire with His joy, but also to provide someone for them, if that is His will. I also ask them, 'Could I interview you, and talk about this subject which will help so many others." I have not have one "Yes" to being interviewed in this way. My next question is, "Well, how does your church family know what to pray for you then?"
Many ministers are often told 'you are not open'. You don't care for your flock as individuals. You don't have your finger on the pulse. However, I think many of us do. But congregation members are scared to truly be part of a family (albeit church family) because maybe their family of origin isn't nice; or maybe they've been hurt too much; Or maybe they're scared of being Judged, or maybe, just maybe, they don't actually believe God will answer their prayers?
I think there are great leaps and bound forward we could make in caring for each other, and the family of God in this way if we open ourselves up to each other, and pray in earnest to God, as a family of God, for the desires of our hearts.
(Sorry, rant over.)
Hey Izaac, thanks for noticing! – and caring.
ReplyDeleteDitto to Ali's comment!
ReplyDeleteI've never read your blog before, but someone I know linked to it. Thanks for being thoughtful. I think what you alluded to is a problem for many people. As a single woman who longs for a family I have often just wanted a little bit of confirmation that I'm doing the right thing in fleeing from the advances of extremely nice non Christian men. Meanwhile christian men show absolutely no interest and I have many times left church feeling like an absolute failure for being single because family people are constantly being praised and congratulated. The only advice offered in sermons is "Stop being discontent, marriage is hard". And then you read stupid blog postswritten by christian guys about how we are too fussy but we should make ourselves look more attractive if we want to get married. I could go on and on but wont. Only to say thank you!
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ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your practices in this area. When I said in the post "I'm not sure it's even a massive problem" what I meant was, "I think this is a massive problem, but if I admit that, then I'll need to offer a way forward". And now I don't have to because you've done it for me!
There are a few principles at work, and I guess one of them is being sensitive without forgetting the joy of the event you're celebrating. That is, if we act in the way you've described, it creates a culture in which people mourning their singleness or childlessness or separation know that when some events are celebrated they're done in an environment which regularly acknowledges the pain of some, without needing a full explanation every time. It would be equally problematic to every time a birth is announced to want to publicly acknowledge those for whom this is painful. But most of us are at the complete other end of the spectrum.
I think this is a good application of the 'good-will bank' that they talk about in marriage seminars. The more deposits made in the good-will bank, the more you have to cover you when you do/say something offensive (intentionally or otherwise).
In terms of "going public" in our pain, Sarah and I have found that when people upset us who don't know our situation, it still hurts but they don't know any better (The equivalent would be for a single person being asked when they meet someone new 'are you married'?)
What truly cuts the deepest is when you entrust people with your pain and they don't respond well to that trust. This ranges from unhelpfully sharing that information with others, to making insensitive comments, to never mentioning it again as if you never told them.
We see little benefit personally from 'going public'. But what we keep hearing from lots of people is knowing our situation and experiences has reshaped some of their expectations and thus the comments they make to people. Revealing your hurts can create more hurt for you, but may also spare countless others the grief of unintentional hurtful words.
@ Ali, Kirsty and Goldy
ReplyDeleteThe cold, impersonal nature of posting something online can appear to be a heartless endeavour. But words are never that emotionless.
Sisters, it is my pleasure to have spurred you on.
Thanks for commenting.
Just a further thought:
ReplyDelete"Revealing your hurts can create more hurt for you, but may also spare countless others the grief of unintentional hurtful words."
You're right - truly insightful. I need to ponder that more as I hadn't thought through that completely.
I think there are two more things as well: you forge the way for others who are in similar situations to become bolder in expressing themselves as well. This is a HUGE side benefit for the people of God, don't you think? I think it's extremely admirable. Secondly, you may have complete strangers, yet they are fellow Christians, begin to pray for the situation of singleness or childlessness, or separation, which can only help, right?
Yeah, that's true. The more people praying the better. And even amongst college students we have had people come and express deep hurts to us that they have experienced personally, which they reveal because of our openness in sharing.
ReplyDeleteI should also mention more of the positives - you don't feel like you're alone as others carry the burden, pray, care for you, and ask how you're going. In our case what has surprised us almost the most is how financially generous individuals have been in ensuring we are able to pursue medical intervention if that's what we desire. God has surprised us in that way. And Sarah and I keep saying to each other it's almost embarrassing to think about the amount of people praying for our reproduction processes!
On your further though: Having realised that being open helps others, it is easy to fall into thinking that you are now the educator whose responsibility it is to make the world sensitive to your cause. I think there is a level of openness that can help and educate, but there is a personal cost that can become too great. You open yourself up for a lot of pain, and its important not to expose yourself to too much of this when the issue at hand makes you particularly fragile. But you are right in saying one of the greatest benefits is giving others permission to speak their heart. And we keep finding individuals who are trying to carry great burdens on their own.
Yes, to be honest, I have shared about singleness on a number of platforms (my own blog, another blog, in church, and at a conference in front of thousands) and maybe that did some good for others, and I certainly have had others share with me as a result (though nobody telling me they'd be praying). However, I do think something is not functioning very well in the "community" if people need to be interviewed up the front in order for others to be aware of what they might be struggling with or to affirm that they do really want to be part of the family (or have their prayers answered). There is a big difference between a public congratulations to someone on their good news, and interviewing someone to share their struggles in public. But certainly prayers from up the front that remember that everyone doesn't share the same blessings are helpful ...
ReplyDeleteHave you read Mia Freedman's article in the Sunday Life magazine today? I think she read your post, decided you are incredibly insightful, and then decided to write about the secular equivalent (ie the way we have parties and give gifts for all the happy occasions but are completely inadequate at acknowledging and sharing the struggles).
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts Izaac. This is something I need to think through better. My gut reaction is usually to shy away from making the good announcements (for fear of upsetting those who struggle in that area), but then saying nothing doesn't particularly help, does it?
I haven't read it yet, but will do so this afternoon. Thanks for the tip. And I'm with you on the conservative side of acknowledgement e.g. Just do nothing. Except as you say, this doesn't help anyone.
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