Biting at the hand that feedbacks you

Giving feedback to people is a dangerous task. My problem is this is only a recent revelation. I've always been happy to give anyone feedback if I thought I had a helpful contribution. I didn't care if they were older, younger, more or less experienced, male or female - if someone deserved thanks or praise I would offer it, and just as surely if I had constructive comments I would offer them also.

The reason I had no qualms in offering my opinion was in my mind there was nothing personal behind the comments. I just thought I could help and so I would say my piece. So for example in our Moore College orientation we had the most boring half hour of my life as the lady from the library walked us through (in a lecture format) a few of the aspects of the library service. At the end she asked if anyone had ideas for information to include or ways of doing that presentation differently then to let her know. So I did. My suggestion was to use all the same information but do it as if she was researching an essay. So start by having an old essay question that she puts to us and get us to think what we would search, what kinds of materials we would be looking for, and use that as a means of demonstrating the capabilities of the searches and actually walk us through the structures she had but utilising the essay example.

When my mates asked me what I was talking to her about afterwards, and I told them, they said I was arrogant. Now apart from telling them to go jump, I was quite dumbfounded. In my mind there wasn't a hint of arrogance. She asked, I offered and the end product for next year might be improved. I didn't look down on her, think anything less of her or more of myself. I just thought I could help.

Now I can see how people might think it was arrogance: because I'm assuming I have something to offer. And no one likes to be told what to do. Yet to be honest, the whole concept of being accused of arrogance for daring to give someone feedback just shocks me. I feel like I'm giving feedback in love, and for their and my benefit. The process of giving feedback sharpens me even more than them because I realise mistakes I make as well or ways they are teaching me.

It's hard not to be precious over something we put our heart into. And it is this protectiveness and ownership that makes it hard to receive comment on. As we invest ourself into the presentation or event, we then take everything personally and live or die by the response. But at some level it is great if we can detach ourselves to step back from the thing we have done or created in order to hear what people say. I'm not even sure I'm that great at receiving feedback either. But something is wrong where any attempt to improve or suggest ways of improvement is seen as arrogance.

In response to this, some people and workplaces (and even ministry teams) I've seen choose to say nothing. That way at least there is the appearance of unity and cohesion. Others still do it, whilst being particularly guarded. That is they don't give feedback over email. Better in person or at least over the phone. I see the wisdom in this. Others like myself go with the love sandwich (love at the start, improvements in the middle, love at the end). But again it seems to me that the pride comes not from the feedbacker but more often the person receiving the feedback.

My other principle for those receiving feedback (including to myself) is to give people the benefit of the doubt. Few people start out trying to discourage you or cut you down. In fact, amongst the Christian community it's usually just the opposite: to build you up. But this building up is not in the American sense of irrational praise, but it is speaking the truth in order to benefit you.

And the other thing is, if a friend is telling you something critical at some level they are putting the friendship on the line. Because there is every chance you will take it the wrong way. So to say something negative is to take a risk that it could be taken the wrong way. There's no obvious danger in just giving empty praise. I realise people have been hurt before which makes this whole thing difficult, but all too often I see people having a hard reaction to critical feedback. We need to receive feedback softly.

As a side note, every time I have considered quitting blogging it has been when I have offered critical analysis on another person or event online. There is wisdom in asking whether or not a blog is the appropriate forum to do that. But inevitably when there have been issues it has been from people who either don't read blogs generally (and don't understand the medium) and/or aren't regular readers of my blog. I hope that most people that have read my blog for a long period of time don't see arrogance behind my reflections, but see searching analysis that is more often directed at myself than others.